The Football Fan's Manifesto

by Brandon on Sep 13, 2009 1:00 PM CDT in Green Bay Packers Analysis

Value that team above all else, even yourself.

- The Football Fan's Commandment No.2 from The Football Fan's Manifesto by Michael Tunison.

The back cover of the new book, The Football Fan's Manifesto, says it's a playbook to the strict rules and bylaws that must be scrupulously observed by true football fans. As you can probably guess from the numbering above, there are ten football fan commandments, and I've only republished No. 2.

What is your football commandment? What is it about fair weather or bandwagon fans that drives you crazy?

Post it in the comments and you'll have a chance to win a signed copy of The Football Fan's Manifesto.

My review of the book is after the jump.

If you're not familiar with Michael Tunison, he's one of the writers at Kissing Suzy Kolber, which is a NSFW site filled with NFL satire, some vulgarity, and many cheesecake photos of cheerleaders. Basically it's nothing like Acme Packing Company. That I would review his book, or run a book giveaway contest, is like Bob Costas commenting on an MMA fight.

It's not a book meant to be a sociology thesis on how people build relationship with sports players or teams, instead, it's a roast of professional football. It's from his point of view, or a fictional die-hard NFL fan. I'd imagine Tunison is himself a die-hard football fan, but if he had done all of the drinking and fighting he suggests in his book, he'd either be dead of alcohol poisoning or serving time for aggrevated battery. Although he suggests that the NFL is the only sport worth following, he then details all the reasons why every NFL team sucks and you're probably a fool for following them. But it's not criticism to be taken personally; the insults are comic and it's all good male bonding. It's not the type of book I normally read, I'm more likely to go for a book on NFL history or statistics, but I know not everyone can sit around and read text books like I can. This is a book for NFL fans who hate DVOA and just want to watch a game with a beer.

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football can be more than entertainment...

1. the team > players. Even if Brett and Michael Jordan both think the players are the ones that win games not the organization. However, it takes all 53+ men on a team to win it all. It starts with the GM, Owner(s), coaches, and lastly the players. Without the other guys/girls in the front office those players would not be there.

2. Football for most can be a life… look at all of us on here we have had many debates about teams and players since March.

3. If you dont have a satelite, HATE the NFL Network and those stupid thursday night games you cant ever watch!!!

4. Love him or hate him Madden changed the game.. Sometimes in a comic way with his commentary and drawing the obvious on the replays.

5. Any given Sunday! Love the game for what it is, a battle between men. Teams may look better on paper but it comes down to 60 minutes. Any team can upset another, just sit back and enjoy.

Thats all I can think of for now… agree/disagree let em rip

by bizzle4 on Sep 13, 2009 1:41 PM CDT reply actions

Performance Perspective. Have Some.

This is the reason I hate the Vikings and, even moreso, their fans. I swear, it seemed like every single Pack/Vikes game in my formative football-watching years ended with a last-second Fuad Reveiz field goal, and my Mondays at school were filled with “haha we kicked your ass.”

Dude, you won by two. You couldn’t even get in the end zone—all your points came from field goals. Yeah, you can brag up the fact that your team won, but you probably shouldn’t crow too much, y’know?

Probably why I also dislike trash-talking in general (except in the case of pointing out that Cowboys fans aren’t allowed into heaven. ‘Cause that’s funny.)

Before each game, please remember to feed the bats.

by Cool Hand on Sep 14, 2009 2:45 AM CDT reply actions

What's the spread?

This is pro football. People into this kind of stuff can join the local high school booster club. What’s the spread for next week’s game?

by uglyfatpimplynerd on Sep 14, 2009 11:55 AM CDT reply actions

Off The Top of My Head

1) Time stands still between Noon and 3. Seriously, don’t bother me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t call me.

2) It DOES matter that much. So don’t tell me to calm down.

3) If you are going to a game between Team A v. Team B, I don’t care who your favorite team is, you better not wear a jersey for Team C. This aggravates me to no end.

4) DVR is a blessing and a curse. There is nothing harder than trying to avoid the score of the Packer game for more than an hour. It doesn’t matter if you are on a plane, in a foriegn country, by yourself in a car. It is going to get ruined somehow.

by Juicelaw on Sep 15, 2009 7:31 AM CDT reply actions

My Manifesto

1. Attending a game can only be done properly with a grill and a case of beer.
2. Watching a game on TV can only be done properly with a pizza and a six-pack.

I would also argue that there should be a “Treatise to the Football Fan’s Friend/Girlfriend/Wife”. It would have to consist of these:

1. Face it. The fan will be out of commission from noon until 6 (central time) on Sundays—and possible all day Saturday for a college fan. Get over it or embrace it.
2. It doesn’t matter who’s playing; if the fan has started watching a football game, it’ll take a nuclear bomb to pull him/her away from the TV.
3. A fan turns into the Incredible Hulk when his/her ownership of the remote is challenged.
4. Don’t sit down and make silly comments like “What’s that yellow line for?” or talk about the players butts. If you want to learn the game—which is often greatly appreciated—sit back and watch a game quietly. You should be able to absorb the basics of the game by just sitting back and watching three hours of football.

by texwestern on Sep 15, 2009 8:49 AM CDT reply actions

hahah completely agree

also keep aleast a 10 foot radius from me at all times for your own personal safety… I dont know about you guys but I jump up and down, pump the fists, and swing the arms. If i hit you I am truly sorry but i have tunnel vision from my eyes to the tv no exceptions.

by bizzle4 on Sep 15, 2009 9:42 PM CDT up reply actions

There's one rule that rises above all others when it comes to being a football fan

When you’re in, you’re in for the long haul. You can’t abandon your team just because they’re rebuilding.

Take a look at who’s on the boards of teams like Arizona or Miami or Atlanta. Then look at how long they’ve been there. I’d be willing to bet that at least half of them are front-runners that joined up as soon as the team started succeeding.

Now look at the boards for the Chiefs, Rams, or Lions. Check out how long those guys have been there. My guess is that it’s been a long, long time.

Those are real football fans. Unless something unforgiveable happens like moving the team or signing Brett Favre happens, you stick with that team no matter what. That’s what being a fan is all about.

"Brandon Jennings needs a nickname before he gives himself one. Oh wait, Young Money, he already did."

by Mitchell Maurer on Sep 15, 2009 9:26 AM CDT reply actions