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APC Author Scouting Reports: Breaking Down the Writing Staff

We imagine how's Nolan Nawrocki would critique the APC staff as bloggers.

Who induces more hot takes in this year's draft class than Johnny Football?
Who induces more hot takes in this year's draft class than Johnny Football?
Scott Halleran

Earlier this week, Twitter exploded with reactions as users noticed some of the NFL Draft prospects' scouting profiles on Scout Nolan Nawrocki is the one who writes those scouting reports, and several were identified as sounding unnecessarily judgmental or even being inappropriate.

For example, the first sentence in Northern Illinois safety Jimmie Ward's report was "Has a child."

Now, it is entirely possible that this is the way NFL teams lead off their scouting reports - with personal information that on the surface seems to have nothing to do with a player's potential on the field. Personally, I don't necessarily have a problem with this kind of thing, but at the same time I understand why including information like this in public scouting reports can rub people the wrong way.

In any case, in the spirit of Mr. Nawrocki, we decided to have a little fun and do some scouting reports on ourselves, the writing staff of Acme Packing Company. Is this stupid? Yes. But is it fun? Hell yes! Enjoy!

Evan "Tex" Western

Moving out of Wisconsin suggests lack of dedication to his home state and its teams. Excellent typing speed. Uses lots of semicolons - needs to be more versatile with punctuation marks. Tends to swing a fairly light banhammer. Inconsistent decision-making in jersey purchases, as his solid #82 Don Beebe is nullified by #84 Javon Walker mistake. Long arms relative to his height helps him reach far-away keyboards, but could put him at risk for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the future. Left-handed but uses mouse with right hand.

Jason Hirschhorn

Old for his class (25) and still cannot grow a proper beard. Regularly mispronounces "gyros." Needs to hit the weight room. Parents are of German and Austrian descent, but he has olive skin -- might be a stolen Italian baby. None of his fellow bloggers attended his birthday party.

Josh VanDyke

Gym rat and whiskey aficionado. Immature sense of humor. Questionable motor - only works effectively after multiple coffees. Balanced blogging skills: writing, podcasting, DJing. Helps make up for lack of height (5'9") by being a gym rat. Self-described "terrible tipper." Left-handed.

Brendan Kennedy

Owns two cats, so aggressiveness is clearly an issue. Safe to assume he owns questionable sweaters. Was named after an Irish poet but went to work in advertising -- cannot be trusted. Writes with his left hand, but does everything else with his right, displaying lack of discipline. Extremely reckless – convinced his barber to carve triangles into his hair like Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn while in Little League. Has an abnormally large collection of jackets. F-bombs make up 65% of his vocabulary. Recently moved to Kansas City, so keep an eye on self-control around barbeque...likely to be grossly out of shape within 3 months.

Tony Atkins

Stint in TV calls dedication to blogging/writing into question. Awful penmanship. Strong Twitter following. Severely undersized. No known gang affiliations but does have excellent rapping skills. Questionable judgment - is also a Tebow and Broncos fan. Tends to lede articles with "Sometimes in life..." Left-handed.

Aron Yohannes

Sneaky elite athlete - experience in water polo and hockey. Drives a rusty '95 Nissan Altima. Red flag: in addition to Packers fandom, is also a lifelong Raiders fan. Rare Eritrean heritage. Large Twitter following suggests big upside. Unique style - soft, wavy hair and a snappy dresser. Questionable financial decision-making skills, owning far more pairs of Jordans than are necessary.


Now it's your turn. What are some features of yourselves as fans and commenters to which you can give the Nawrocki treatment? I suggest that you please stick to only making these judgments about yourself, so as to avoid any possibility of offending or irritating each other.