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Let's all dance on the 49ers' grave

Remember Niners fans, it's all in good fun.

Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

(Editor's note: Sometimes a little schadenfreude is just too much for us to let it pass us by without commenting on it. Please join us for a little bit of fun at the expense of a team that whose fans have had more than their share of chances to poke fun at Packers fans in recent years.

Also, please note that this article was published in advance of Chris Borland's retirement announcement, which has since brought up numerous issues and questions about the long-term safety of football. We in no way intend to criticize Borland's decision to put his long-term health, his future, and his family's future ahead of football or imply that his decision was based on anything other than those factors.)

There was time not long ago when it looked like the San Francisco 49ers were going to be a permanent roadblock in the Packers' way back to the Super Bowl. They had one of the top coaches in the league. A menacing defense. And a quarterback who looked like the second coming of Randall Cunningham - all seeming to hit their stride at the same time. Now? This is the face of their franchise:


Look at that doofus! Are we entirely sure he's even a coach and not a used car salesman from Crazy Al's Discount Motors? Is this the most elaborate Jimmy Kimmel prank ever? For the unfamiliar, that's Jim Tomsula - the Niners' new head coach who bumbled his initial press conference so epically bad that even GM Trent Baalke couldn't help but laugh. What makes Tomsula's hiring so perplexing - besides the fact they didn't want him to begin with - is that this is a team that very recently played in a Super Bowl. This is a team with a shiny new stadium to show off. This is a team with a rich, successful heritage to uphold. And now, this is a team with a mustache as their head coach. It is a smoldering wreckage of organizational dysfunction. It is a laughingstock of penny pinching tight wad-ishness.

And you know what?


I mean, just look at the last few months:

- Jim Harbaugh bolts because he and management hate each other's guts (you know damn well he upper decked Trent Baalke's office bathroom on the way out).

- Instead of replacing him with one of the hottest young coaching candidates out there, they opt for a guy WHO CAN'T PUT TOGETHER A COHERENT SENTENCE.

- Frank Gore (a Niners legend and leader in the locker room) chooses not one - but two! - other teams he'd rather play for.

- Justin Smith's old ass calls it quits.

- Patrick Willis goes from "I'll be back better than ever, you guys" to, "I'm getting off this ship like it's the Titanic even if I have to retire" in a matter of like two weeks.

Mike Iupati - a four-time Pro Bowl guard - opts to sign with the Cardinals.

Michael Crabtree - the lone Niners receiver who wasn't a scrub or, in the case of Anquan Boldin, a mummy - is headed out of town.

And none of this even takes into consideration the rumors that the team is now shopping Colin Kaepernick (which they said they aren't but who knows, maybe they are). Then again, I suppose if your franchise quarterback has regressed to the point of becoming a rich man's Joe Webb, why not just start all over?

Oh sure, the team did pick up Torrey Smith and Reggie Bush's corpse, which, I guess are decent signings and all. But you know which player is the next most significant signing of the 49ers' offseason? Blaine tapdancing Gabbert! Amazingly, Blaine Gabbert is not starring in next season of 'The Bachelor', but instead, is getting actual NFL paychecks to do stuff like this:


Seriously, if Blaine Gabbert were a superhero, his theme song would be "Yakety Sax."

And look, as a football fan and as someone who posits himself to be a decent, and empathetic human being, I suppose I should feel bad that the 49ers demise has come so swiftly and brutally.

But nah, screw all that.

This is a team that laid the absolute wood to the Packers in two of their last three meetings. Even when the Packers got close like in the 2013 Wild Card game, the Niners were too much. Too fast. Too skilled. Too well-coached. They seemed to be the Packers' Kryptonite and looked positioned to stay that way for years to come.

Now? This team is dropping players like a Game of Thrones season finale. It is a bloodbath in San Francisco and as a Packers fan, I couldn't be happier. It's always more satisfying when the bad guy is vanquished by the hero and certainly, I wish it would have come at the hands of Aaron Rodgers. But regardless, the Packers now have one less NFC villain to contend with. So, rejoice Packers fans.

Because the 49ers are finally dead.