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Shopping with the Enemy: The Baltimore Ravens’ most ridiculous merchandise

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With week ten approaching, let’s see how awfully Ravens fans could show support for their team.

NFL: Preseason-Detroit Lions at Baltimore Ravens Mitch Stringer-USA TODAY Sports

Every team has a Pro Shop, and every Pro Shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

Look, you’re a big fan of the Baltimore Ravens, they’ve won a few Super Bowls for you, and you wish you could look more like them while remaining warm on those cold Baltimore nights. While the Snuggie is now, and has always been, the height of cool, you’ve been holding out for something exactly like this:

And while the codpiece may scream “for men only,” the “unisex” description is there to make sure the ladies aren’t left out.

If you have a child who isn’t embarrassed to be seen with you wearing our first item, he may be interested in our second, which seeks to combine Raven fandom with superhero cosplay. Your child will definitely not be bullied into oblivion while sporting this:

The awkwardly short length means no one will confuse it for a medieval-style Game of Thrones or Harry Potter cape, it’s Captain Baltimore all the way. Please note that this imported thing you tie around your child’s neck should not be washed, it should be “wiped clean.”

That’s the mark of a quality product.

But as well-crafted as the cape and the snuggie are, what if it’s realism you’re going for? What if you don’t want to capture the identity of “Ravens” as much as a specific Raven. What if you want to pretend to be really really really overpaid, in high definition?

Capture Flacco’s signature schlumpy white t-shirt look with this extremely lifelike “HD” mask printed on “breathable polyester mesh.” Whether you want a truly scary Halloween costume or the ability to anonymously rob a liquor store, you’ll appreciate that this mask is “fully breathable and allows full range of sight and speech.” You can be sure that more care went into design and manufacturing than than in choosing the model and his wardrobe, that’s for sure. Pair it with your Unisex Comfy Throw and no one will be able to tell you aren’t on the team.

Metrics

Joe Flacco - 153 items
Ray Lewis - 20
Trent Dilfer - 0
Shannon Sharpe - 0
Edgar Allen Poe - 2

Also a garden gnome and a lego bird.

Packer Product of the Week

I’m a Packer shareholder, and there is nothing that we shareholders like better than arguing with Mike Florio and wearing products designed to tell the world that we are shareholders. The shareholder section of the Pro Shop has a ton of great products and styles to chose from, but if you really want to rub your NFL team ownership in the face of other people, you simply need to get this hat.

The gold half of the Green and Gold has never been this gold before, baby. If you like the Packers okay but like OWNING the Packers way more, no one — and I mean no one — will miss that fact when you’re sporting this bad boy. Whether you want to blind opposing fans on a sunny Lambeau day or make sure a hunter doesn’t accidentally shoot you in the Northwoods, there is no better way to stand out from the crowd while letting the world know you had an extra $250 laying around.

Until next week, remember, there is no worse way to support your team.