Shopping With The Enemy: The Pittsburgh Steelers and their absurd books & towels

Every team has a pro shop, every pro shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

This week, we look to western Pennsylvania for the Pittsburgh Steelers’ most ridiculous items.

A. For the Pets

Teams take drastically different approaches to their pro shops. The Bears seem willing to put a logo on just about anything, whereas the Steelers - with a few exceptions - rely more on tradition. Boy do they rely on tradition. But before we get to tradition, let’s get the sillies out of the way.

Does it snow a lot where you live? Do you have a dog? Have you ever lost your dog under piles and piles of snow? If this constantly happens to you, the Steelers have your solution:

For years, fire departments have been adding flags to fire hydrants so they stick out over the snow, and now you can do the same thing with Fluffy. The Tactical Dog Vest can also add a whole new element to a game of Capture the Flag, and best of all, it doesn’t make your majestic Husky look ridiculous at all.

Just look at the little guy. So proud. So...tactical.

B. Terrible Variety

If there is one thing that is synonymous with Steeler Nation it’s the Terrible Towel, but why have just one Terrible Towel? Through the miracle of corporate branding and the same minds that brought you Limeade Oreos, we have a great variety of Terrible Towels: the Halloween Terrible Towel, and the St. Patrick’s Day Terrible Towel, the Thanksgiving Terrible Towel, the Camo Terrible Towel, the Terrible Towel for Toddlers, and several pink options for the ladies including this extremely flattering skirt, made from discarded old Terrible Towels.

Collect them all! Especially this one celebrating the poor quality of the Heinz Field turf!

Any of these would make a great gift for the guy in this eye black ad and his extremely put-upon significant other.

C. $$$$$$$$$

The Packers occasionally sell stock, which comes with a neat certificate, a cool exclusive merchandise store, and an annual invite to the shareholders’ meeting. It costs $250.00. Some have taken to calling this a worthless piece of paper. If selling overpriced paper is good for one team, you can bet that copycats will arise, and leading the way in overcharging for pieces of paper we have the Steelers with this dandy of an item.

That’s 16 shares of Packer stock right there, all in an 800 page, 90 pound(!) package. You know you’re getting a quality product when your average football fan can’t lift it. And if the 90-pound, $4000.00 version doesn’t cut it for you, there’s an unsigned 30 pound alternative.

Whether you need to destroy a coffee table or throw out your back, you can’t beat this deal. But if you want to break a coffee table, throw out your back, and not be able to afford a new coffee table or your medical bills, why not pony up for the 800-page, 90 pound Icon edition, which is signed by most of the 70s Steelers and includes a few game tickets. Really it’s a bargain at…

This is, by far the most expensive item I’ve seen at any pro shop, and it set me off on a quest.

Packer Items of the week

The most expensive thing in the Packer Pro Shop is a boring leather jacket, however the search for pricey items led me to this awesome remote control cooler:

And the second most expensive item in the pro shop, this cheese electric guitar, at $500.00.

What self-respecting Wisconsin-based musician could pass up this deal, as Wisconsin’s greatest stereotype meets Wisconsin’s love of 80s-era rock and roll music. Never ascend beyond the level of “novelty band” with a guitar you got on a football team’s website for a substantial sum of money.

Until next time remember, there is no worse way to support your team!