Shopping with the Enemy: The worst items in the Chicago Bears’ Pro Shop

Every team has a Pro Shop. Every team’s pro shop has some truly hilarious junk in it. These are their stories. Every week we’ll plan to take a look at the opposing team’s Pro Shop to find the most ridiculous, baffling products available for you to show your team spirit. This week, it’s a visit to Chicago for some Bear-branded madness.

The Chicago Bears, man. The clearance section of the Bears Pro Shop is littered with everything you would expect. It’s filled with items related to the 85 Bears, old Jay Cutler merch, a shocking amount of Jared Allen’s #69 jersey, and also, some baffling, indescribable stuff, like this business card holder.

It may not seem that weird at first glance, until you realize that it contains someone’s actual business card. Let me introduce you to Charles D. Sizemore, CEO of The Memory Company.

Wow, someone is really mad at Charles. Maybe it’s the same guy who decided to use his actual real business card in a Bear Pro Shop product display.

The holidays are fast approaching and in recent years, a new and horrifying holiday tradition has taken parents by storm: The Elf on the Shelf. Parents take a creepy toy elf and pretend it’s spying on their children for Santa, moving it around after the kids are asleep to creep them out even further. For your average parent, a soulless elf doll is sufficient, but what if you’re a Bear fan who wants to combine psychologically harmful 24-hour surveillance with extreme fandom for the Monsters of the Midway? Why, you’ll need the Matt Forte Elf on the Shelf:

Former Bear Matt Forte, who left the team following the 2015 season, will keep an eye on the kids while also coercing them into “Bearing Down” every Sunday, for fear of otherwise not receiving any Christmas presents. Matt Forte plus Elf on the Shelf is an adorable American tradition, and definitely not an insidious plot by the FBI to normalize 24-hour surveillance.

Who could ever forget Marc Colombo? The 29th overall pick in the 2002 draft spent three years with the Bears from 2002 - 2005 before moving on to Dallas for the vast majority of the remainder of his career, where he is still an offensive line coach. If you love Colombo as much as the next Bear fan, you can pick between not one…

But two autographed pictures.

Their sentimental value can only be eclipsed by their artistry. Collect both before time runs out.

Finally, once the kids have been scared to bed by Matt on the Shelf, staring at autographed pictures of Marc Colombo may have put you and your partner in the mood for a special evening, and the only thing that could make the evening even more special is official Chicago Bear-branded lingerie.

Give her a night she’ll never forget by letting her know you can’t stop thinking about football for even one second. Maybe you can even take some inspiration from Jared Allen. It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Final Tally

• Jay Cutler Merch: 46 items
• Jared Allen Merch: 8 Items
• Julius Peppers Merch: 10 Items
• Dick Butkus Merch: 51 Items
• Mike Ditka Merch: 33 Items

Packer Item of the Week

If there’s anything hotter than a grown man in 8-bit Packer footie pajamas, I can’t think of it. If you don’t want to wear your Zubaz to bed but don’t want to lose any of that signature style, look no further than this “union suit”, whatever that is. And hey, if you have a female significant other, or just want to save two bucks, there is a matching ladies version every bit as enticing as the Bear lingerie.

Until next week, there is no worse way to support your team!