clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Shopping With The Enemy: All the sads in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Pro Shop

New, comments

Here’s this week’s spin through the Pro Shop of the Packers’ next opponent: the Buccaneers.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v Buffalo Bills Photo by Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

Every team has a pro shop, every pro shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

The Buc’s pro shop is awful. It’s slow, it’s hard to navigate, it wouldn’t work in Chrome for a few days, and the search engine is complete trash. Moreover, they removed a bunch of great merchandise early last week, but they stil have plenty of good stuff, like...

The Jameis Winston Collection

When Buccaneer quarterback Jameis Winston entered the NFL Draft, his talent was unquestioned, but he had a few major off the field issues, which caused many major publications to write articles about Jameis’ “red flags.”

This was great because until just the other day the Bucs, who ended up selecting Winston as their quarterback of the future, had merchandise with the following catchphrase in the shop.

You can still find these items around other online stores, and I like the think of it as the “Jameis Winston Collection,” but as it turns out there really is a Jameis Winston collection, for if you want an ugly jersey or leather hat in honor of the Tampa’s finest alleged sex offender and crab leg thief.

Personally, I liked the Red Flag merchandise better. It’s so...awkward.

Sadz

Now, if you are a Bucs fan, you do have a Super Bowl, but mostly you’ve been a sad fan, like...this guy in the poncho.

Or this bear.

Fortunately, we have plenty to cheer you up. If you don’t have your health, you have nothing at all, so why not kick off a run of healthy eating with this $70.00 bamboo salad bowl, complete with bamboo claw shaped salad tongs.

Health experts say that salad tastes better when tossed in an expensive, pirate-themed bowl, and this item hits all of the marks. The Bucs feature an entire line of bamboo dinnerware,

And now, a very special message from Shopping With The Enemy.

Are you part of a military family with small children who need help with dealing with the pain of having a parent deployed? The Tampa Bay Bucs' pro shop and wide receiver Vincent Jackson have the answer to your troubles, in the form of an autographed copy of Vincent’s book, Danny Dogtags: Dealing with Deployment.

Look, I don’t want to make light of the sacrifices of military families, and if this book helps some poor 4-year-old cope with his situation, that’s great. Proceeds from this book go to Jackson’s charitable foundation, and there is a sequel about healthy eating as well.

So kudos to Vincent Jackson for taking his own experiences and trying to help out kids, but man, it’s an oddly specific children’s book to have in your pro shop. I mean, you really have to be looking for this thing.

Sunglasses

Are you in the sun? Do you want to look less cool? Do you also want a facemask bopping you in the mouth or nose constantly? Well, I have the product for you.

Designed by people who thought the Cheesehead hat was a little too stylish, you’ll be the hit of your tailgate while lifting up your dangling facemask to take another bite of your hot dog.

Arrrrrrrrrr!

The Bucs mascot is Captain Fear, which is, let’s be honest, an awesome pirate name.

But let’s also be honest that in lego form, the Captain’s flesh-toned sash makes it look like he’s wearing a crop-top.

Packer Item of the Week

Would Vince Lombardi have knelt for the National Anthem? It’s actually hard to say, Lombardi was a complicated man, and in certain areas he was extremely progressive. But none of that matters, because this figure is kneeling all the time, and if you want to see St. Vince kneel during the National Anthem, all you have to do is put on the National Anthem.

This is a brand new item this week, and given the controversy around kneeling, I applaud the buyers at the Pro Shop for trolling everyone with this product. Nicely done.

Until next week, remember, there isn’t a worse way to support your team!