Shopping with the Enemy: The Carolina Panthers have a fairly dull Pro Shop

I’m going to be upfront and tell you that the Panther pro shop is kind of dull. They concentrate all player merchandise in Cam Newton, Luke Kuechly, and Greg Olsen, they stay away from most truly weird items and without a super long team history, don’t have some big historical archive of craziness. In a way it’s kind of sad, as the Packers Pro Shop will brand anything because Packer fans will buy anything. Carolina fans need some additional appeal to their purchase, such as “good taste” or “functionality”.

Like, it’s kind of weird that the first and last letter here are on the sleeves,

but it’s kind of a fun anther to the question of how you would fit on the entire name. And this poncho guy…

MUCH more confident than the Bucs’ poncho guy. Man, that poor guy.

And I don’t really know what to make of this shirt. What is Car divided by Cat? I suppose the answer is R/T when you cancel out the CAs, but in reality, we’ll never know.

And this is just lame.

So instead of focusing on the Panthers and their boring pro shop catering to discerning fans, let’s take a look at what the Packers Pro Shop just added in an extended:

Packer Items of the Week

AHHHHH! KILL IT KILL IT WITH FIRE!

What if we turned Aaron Rodgers into an elf and locked him in Lance Kendricks’ car for a few hours? Well, now we know.

Football Party Fun

Do you go over to a friends to watch the Packers? Do you bring food? Is that food a casserole? Are you disappointed that you cannot bring your casserole to your friend’s house in a Packer-themed casserole dish and carrying case? Well worry no more because now you can bring what appears to be…enchiladas, over while supporting your favorite team every step of the way.

FYI, the Vikings do not have a similar “hot dish” container in their pro shop.

Man Cave Culture

Everyone likes the term “man cave” when used unironically, and it’s definitely not a symbol of the toxic masculinity pervasive in football culture and society as a whole. Its perfectly innocent use as a descriptor of a place where one can ignore one’s family and act like Al Bundy is a treasured part of Americana. Why not get your kids started early with…

Yes, the Kid Cave. Why have a simple playroom when you can put up a tacky sign and get them started behind a Fisher Price bar? Your basement playroom wouldn’t be complete without one.

The Shorts

Since the first moment I viewed the Packer pro shop I have been intrigued by these shorts.

Is this a picture? Are these a cartoon version? How long are they, really? This is the item I’ve been most tempted to buy just to see what they actually look like in real life. I can’t get my head around the pattern, or the length, or the shape. I could see these as anything from tight, to fitted, to baggy. They’re just as weird from the rear.

They’re on clearance and will leave us soon, so I had to mention them while I could. I’ll miss them when they’re gone. They look unlike anything I’ve ever seen.

Fake Smiles

I love the pro shop models, and I love this guy, who clearly doesn’t want to be here.

Maybe he’s an intern they grabbed for the photoshoot or maybe he’s getting ready to rob a liquor store. Either way it’s great and I’d like to play poker with this guy sometime.

Football

Finally, if you like football...just like, a football, here’s a $90.00 canvas of just a football. The football says “Packers” on it. Cool football, guys.

Until next time, there is no worse way to support your team.