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Shopping with the Enemy: A look at the Vikings’ no-good, tone-deaf Pro Shop

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No Pro Shop we have looked through so far is filled with more mind-blowingly bad items than Minnesota’s.

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NFL: Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Every team has a pro shop, every pro shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

Oh man, “Minnesota Nice” is totally a thing, and it is on full display in the Minnesota Pro Shop. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, Minnesotans always maintain a nice tone and are seemingly without edge, however the words they are actually speaking cut to the bone, often pointing out some mundane thing that you or a friend or a family member do well, with the sole intent of highlighting something that you suck at. An example would be,

“Your brother is so tired from his marathon training, can you help me lift this sofa, you’ve gotten so big lately.”

Minnesota is super fun guys.

This Pro Shop, though. It’s some high-level condescension and some true nightmare fuel, all wrapped up in folksy Garrison Keillor-esque (SEE!) unfunnyness.

Like, they have this turkey hat.

This hat is a bad dad joke and no one should buy it, but it’s there for all of the Minnesota dads, and to provide some cover for the Pro Shop. It seems perfectly innocent, but then you take a deeper look at the next few items and OH MY GOD

YOU CAN’T MAKE A SHIRT FOR TODDLERS PROCLAIMING A CRUSH ON ADRIAN PETERSON, who once cut a switch, famously removed the leaves from the switch, crushed them up, and shoved them in his son’s mouth before savagely assaulting the 4-year-old.

But yeah, isn’t it cute you are pretending your daughter has a crush on this inhuman monster who should no longer be in the league or walking around a free man and who isn’t even on the team anymore?

“But I have a boy.”

OH COME ON.

Oh isn’t that cute a little plush doll, does he come with a little toy switch? Look, I’ve seen a ton of scary dolls while doing this and I didn’t think anything would ever top the Matt Forte Elf on the Shelf, but does anyone think this thing doesn’t come to life at night and assault people? A solid buy for practitioners of voodoo and not much else. C’mon Vikings, you’re better than this oh wait YOU TOTALLY ARE NOT.

SUPER BOWL, BABY

Hey, did you know that Minnesota is hosting the Super Bowl this season? They’re just hosting, they’re in no way assuming, that the Vikings are going to make it, just look at this T-Shirt featuring Paul Bunyan carrying the Super Bowl to Minnesota.

You know, the concept of the Super Bowl. The actual game. We Norwegian types can easily hold this distinction, we’re NOT implying a Super Bowl championship, but wouldn’t it just be the Jim-dandiest to win the Super Bowl on your home turf. Boy that would be swell. Oh, do you think anyone might like this $250 helmet representing Team Super Bowl? (wink wink)

Seriously, the Viking pro shop is loaded with merchandise proclaiming loudly that they are HOSTING a Super Bowl, but it’s all just a little predictive, like this purple Super Bear.

Oh, little Billy will never forget his first Super Bowl.

“The Vikings won this one, right mommy? Right? Mommy? Mommy?”

Man, Viking parents really do a number on their kids.

Attire

“Oh, we have Ph.Ds and tech jobs and we’re sort of the brain center of the Midwest, not like those slobs from Wisconsin with their cheese and open hostility to public education.”

Well you also have THIS.

So the normal Zubaz weren’t quite doing it for you and you needed to make a camo version. Maybe you secretly wanted to wear Zubaz but also wanted to blend in with your purple and yellow surroundings? Nothing says Scandinavian Work Ethic like militarizing the single worst fashion of the 1980s.

And let’s not forget the ladies.

Cultural Appropriation

“Oh, who could be offended by a purple Viking Tiki Totem, it reminds me of the Tiki room at Disney World, don’t make such a big deal out of it, you make a big deal out of everything. Say, Paul, who are the Packers going to be playing against in the playoffs? I haven’t paid attention to the Wild Card since it became clear that we were going to clinch.”

Perfection

“You just get better service in Minnesota at a place like Lunds/Byerly’s. Everyone is so nice, they really pay attention to detail, you don’t see the little things out of place like in a Jewel.”

“Maybe they just want to make sure the picture is just right. You know it’s good to take your time with things Paul.”

OK, this is actually cool

Ale Horns!

I love drinking beer out of non-standard glasses and this is actually amazing. If I were a Viking fan I would totally get these and throw back a few while casually hurling out backhanded compliments to my children.

Bert

One of the most expensive items in the Viking pro shop is this signed helmet from the Greatest Viking Quarterback Ever.

You’ll note it costs a little more than the helmet of the Greatest Viking Receiver And Probably The Second Best NFL Receiver Ever. I wonder why.

By the way, that helmet is quite a bit more expensive than the most expensive Brett item in the Packer pro shop.

Packer Item of the Week

The Packers would NEVER PROMOTE IRRESPONSIBLE DRINKING, which is why there is a ping pong paddle in this picture.

These Packer ping pong balls, which were totally not photo-shopped into this picture with MS Paint, are for playing ping pong, not for something else. Hey Ricky, that’s a nice cup pyramid you’ve made back there, very picturesque. These are great balls for hitting back and forth with paddles, and not for throwing into those cups Ricky has arranged. There is no better way to drown your sorrows from missing the playoffs than by playing some actual ping pong, or table tennis, and not any other game. Ping pong.

Until next time, there is no worse way to support your team and also we hate the Vikings.