Shopping with the Enemy: The Lions’ Pro Shop embraces hopelessness and ex-Packers

Every team has a pro shop, every pro shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

In many ways, the Lions were the inspiration for Shopping With the Enemy. Before this became a full column I would tweet out oddities I picked out of the pro shop, and people seemed to like it. Eventually it became clear that there were enough weird ones to warrant further exploration. One of Twitter’s favorites, and perhaps the most “Lion” thing possible is this little item here:

The Lions have been a bad franchise essentially forever, and they have had not one, but two all-time great players quit on the team and choose to retire because, well, they’re hopeless. In this issue of Sports Illustrated, you will find a piece by Peter King discussing that hopelessness in great detail. Barry Sanders signed the issue which, again, covers the awfulness of the Lions as an organization, and now you can own it courtesy of the Detroit Lions in their official pro shop.

God bless the Lions fans, who largely seem to have accepted their lot in football. Most I have talked to completely understand Sanders and Calvin Johnson, and claim they would likely have done the same thing. Maybe that’s why this little guy apparently had to resort to recreational drugs.

For the little ones

If that little guy isn’t your cup of tea, maybe you should just settle for this nice cup of milk…

This imported, non-microwave safe glass specifically intended for milk will brighten up any child’s day.

And if you need a nice winter hat and also wonder what it would look like if the Lions had a mascot that was an extreme combo of a Thundercat and Sonic the Hedgehog, the Lions have you covered.

Cards!

Remember Police Cards? The baseball and football cards given out to police departments to foster community relations in the 1980s? Well, you can get some of the 1989 set right here!

And if you prefer getting tipsy to fostering community relations, these whiskey cards are there for you.

Fine Art

Fine art and Ndamukong Suh go together like Ndamukong Suh and not picking up ridiculous game-killing unsportsmanlike conduct penalties late in the 4th quarter, but if you simply must have a fine painting of the interior lineman, it can be yours for just $1150.00.

Which is about the same amount the NFL fined him for every dirty hit, because they totally care about player safety.

Ex-Packers

Finally, if you’re looking for a nice two-for-one for the kids, and maybe have one Packer fan parent and one Lion fan parent, absolutely no one will be happy with these Don Barclay and Christian Ringo youth jerseys, for $150.00 total.

The Packer Pro Shop doesn’t have any merchandise for either player, so jump on this while you can! Don Barclay! Who wouldn’t want that?

Packer Item of the Week

It’s been a melancholy season so let’s end with a melancholy male model, sporting this snow hoodie.

Just look at the poor guy. He really captures the “Aaron broke his collarbone again and then looked like garbage when he came back too soon” look.

And it has a G on the top of the hood, so everyone will know your team even when you’re moping about the impending free agency of Davante Adams.

Thanks to everyone for reading Shopping with the Enemy this year, and please keep buying insane things to support your team to continue to drive demand, so I can keep writing on the subject. Until next season:

If you can read this...Go Pack Go.

Wait....that doesn’t make any sense. And when can you ever see the bottom of someone’s socks? Good lord, what people come up with...