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Shopping with the Enemy: Browns memorabilia won’t make it under many trees this year

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“What’s the worst thing we could put on a bikini bottom?”

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NFL: San Diego Chargers at Cleveland Browns Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

Every team has a pro shop, every pro shop has a few absolutely insane items. These are their stories.

The Browns have what would describe as a restrained, conservative pro-shop. There are not a ton of risks, they have exercised almost all mentions of Johnny Manziel, and they tend to focus on their storied history as gritty midwesterners. The biggest problem when you’re selling Browns’ merchandise is that your team is named after a disgusting color, which leads to things like this.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

The Browns also don’t have a logo (more on this in a second) which means when they do color variants it’s really weird. The Browns are brown and brownish-orange, and when they stray from that all of a sudden we’re cheering for Penn State.

Again, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Manziel Lives!

There is nothing left in the pro shop referencing Johnny Manziel ... except this!

Yes, it’s all your favorites including Joe Haden, the recently reinstated Josh Gordon, and Ben Tate. Who could forget Cleveland favorite Ben Tate? The description on this card set leads with

Man...this franchise is dark.

Barely Browns

Let’s say you want to sell a fashionable black top, but you also run the Cleveland Brown pro shop and are obligated to put team branding on everything you sell.

If you hide the logo well enough it doesn’t matter! This top is fashionable enough for a night out and provides plausible deniability if you are dragged to a football watching party against your will and don’t want to wear an actual piece of Browns merchandise.

Brownie

Did you know the Browns have a mascot named Brownie the elf? I honestly had no idea. Here’s what he looks like on the Women’s Junk Food Gray/White Timeout Tank Top.

And here’s what he would look like if he were on a t-shirt designed by NBA great Bill Walton.

Brownie was actually the mascot for the glory years of the 40s and 50s until Art Modell killed him off in the mid-60s because even then he was a petty, joyless old man, but the franchise brought him back in 1999 and now he’s all over the place.

Anyway, we’re all happy Brownie is back.

Finally, if you’ve ever wanted some bikini bottoms designed by a legendary linebacker with the words “Cleveland Browns” written across the rear

You’ve come to the right place! Legendary New York Giant linebacker, broadcaster, and fashion entrepreneur Carl Banks offers this stylish swimsuit bottom that will never let you forget what that bottom is for, or how this team generally plays.

Packer Item of the Week

“Hey, these elf dolls aren’t selling!”

“Why not?”

“Maybe it’s because they have creepily long arms and creepily short legs!”

“Is there any way we can make them cuter?”

“I don’t know, is there some fuzzy animal that has really long arms?”

Yes. Yes, there is.

People love their sloths, and if you have a few thousand elves laying around, why not add some fur, a friendly smile, and rebrand them as nature’s laziest animal? It’s a win-win.

Until next time, there is no worse way to support your team!