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What if NFL quarterbacks were fast food chains?

Some bring you endless joy, while others make you sick to your stomach.

New York Giants Super Bowl XLVI Victory Parade
The only thing we love in the United States more than football is fast food.
Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images

Imagine a drive-through, but for quarterbacks. You pull up, hear the unintelligible mutterings of someone through a walkie talkie system presumably installed in 1974, and hope, when you drive around, they hand you the right QB.

Andy Reid is here for this.

A discussion on Twitter got me thinking: What if all the presumed starters in the league were fast food chains? How would that list look?

I’m glad you asked.

  1. Tom Brady Chik-Fil-A — An all-time great. Everyone agrees on the quality, the objections are for other, moral reasons. Probably a little overrated.
  2. Matt Ryan KFC — An elite place you may have forgotten about, but always delivers. Well, unless you have Chik-Fil-A as an option.
  3. Drew Brees Popeyes — Louisiana all-star still producing at high level. Few can get to this peak level of performance, but every once in a while, the indigestion will really give you hell.
  4. Derek Carr In-n-Out — A West Coast marvel lauded across the country, but never quite lives up to the hype.
  5. Marcus Mariota Five Guys — Some people say it’s a system restaurant. How will it adapt? I seem to like it more than most people, and I’m totally OK with that.
  6. Russell Wilson Wendy’s — There are going to be some clunkers. You tried the chili. Maybe a salad. You left feeling full, but hardly happy. Still, every time you get the spicy chicken and a frosty, you leave totally satisfied.
  7. Andrew Luck Shake Shack — Relatively new to the game but already established as one of the top players out there. Can run, pass, but will throw a bad pick or take a big hit every now and then.
  8. Blake Bortles Sonic — You went in so excited, but the only thing you ended up enjoying was dessert and by then it was too late.
  9. Kirk Cousins Burger King — Never the exciting choice, but in the right setting, it can really hit the spot. And you always have that one friend who is inordinately excited to go there.
  10. Jameis Winston Carl’s Jr. — Undeniably delicious with a problematic relationship with women. Parts of the menu are life-changing while others might actually kill you.
  11. Eli Manning Taco BellCame through in the clutch twice and will forever hold a place in your heart because of that. But the rest of the time, it’s heartburn wrapped in gordita.
  12. Ben Roethlisberger Chipotle — It was great for a while, but the flaws are starting to show with age. They’re doing their best to dress it up and add new things to keep it going.
  13. Jay Cutler Jack in the Box The highest variance chain out there. Sometimes it’s amazing, and other times it’s just meh. Also, closely associated with smoking.
  14. Cam Newton Bojangles — Beloved in Carolina, and now reaching a broader audience. Terrific food, but if you catch an off-peak meal at the airport, you might wind up with a stale biscuit and dried-out chicken.
  15. Brian Hoyer Panda Express — It’s not a place you go, it’s a place you settle for when the line is too long at the Sbarro in the mall food court. But you enjoy the food a little more than you thought you would.
  16. Sam Bradford Subway — It’s a smart choice and can really hit the spot if you’re craving it. But you’re never going to tweet about how happy you are to have gone there or posted a picture on Instastory.
  17. Tom Savage Arby’s — You could go here, but like ... why?
  18. Tyrod Taylor Jimmy John’s -- Fast, efficient, totally underrated and just like Bills fans, there are way more upstate than in New York City (zero).
  19. Brock Osweiler Potbelly — A solution in name only. Yeah, it’s sustenance, but if you have a choice, you’re going somewhere else.
  20. Aaron Rodgers Culver’s — The best thing going right now. A ton of options, but even single items like the cheese curds or chocolate shake will dazzle you. No one has a higher upside.
  21. Mike Glennon White Castle -- “It seemed like a good idea when we were high.”
  22. Jared Goff Sbarro — You walk by the counter and think “Man, that calzone looks amazing.” And after two bites you’re calculating routes to the nearest bathroom.
  23. Matthew Stafford Q-Doba — Really good, but overshadowed by the more popular restaurant in its division. Most of its hardcore supporters are in the Midwest.
  24. Josh McCown Quizno’s — You went there one time and it was pretty good. Despite constant disappointment, you keep going back until you realize “I must have just been really hungry that day.”
  25. Carson Wentz Papa John’s — Great add campaign and your friends in certain parts of the country love it, but most of the time you see it and think “Do people actually eat there?”
  26. Dak Prescott Pizza Hut — Versatile spot. Can be successful in a number of ways. In a buffet situation, surrounded by talent, it’s pretty tough to beat.
  27. Andy Dalton Domino’s — You rarely seek it out, but if your friends order it, or it comes late night to a wedding, you’re definitely going to have two or three slices.
  28. Philip Rivers McDonald’s — So reliable for so long, it’s become underrated. A favorite of kids.
  29. Trevor Siemian Dairy Queen -- Capable of delivering some sweet treats, but it’s not a place for a meal. This is a snack/dessert situation only, not a long-term solution.
  30. Joe Flacco Auntie Anne’s — Had a big run for you back in 2012, but subsequent trips have mostly been disappointing.
  31. Alex Smith Dunkin Donuts — Pushed out some places by fancy donut shops. Doesn’t have the gourmet coffee or donuts, but if you need 10 yards, it will definitely get you at least six ... maybe seven.
  32. Carson Palmer Krispy Kreme — Anointed as “the next great thing” and was for a while. Then, fell out of favor and hasn’t really been a part of your life except for that six pack you bought from the neighbor kid raising money for his school. Those were really good.