It’s October 31st, and in honor of Halloween, we at Acme Packing Company have spent all day doing diligent research on the Green Bay Packers’ roster in advance of Sunday night’s game against the New England Patriots.
Just kidding. We spent the middle of the day brainstorming about which players would be which Halloween candies. Here’s a look at the starting lineup as represented by what candy they would appear as in your kids’ trick-or-treat buckets at the end of the night.
Quarterback: Aaron Rodgers = Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
The GOAT quarterback of course gets the GOAT Halloween candy. If you disagree with classic Reese’s cups being the GOAT, then we can’t be friends. Fortunately for Packers fans, there isn’t a QB exchange machine where teams can swap out their crappy ones (like Blake Bortles) for Rodgers clones.
Running Back: Aaron Jones = Pop Rocks
The Packers’ most explosive runner gets the most explosive candy available.
Davante Adams = Mars bar
Randall Cobb = Candy corn
Geronimo Allison = Charleston Chew
Adams is showing his talent to be otherworldly this year; plus, Mars bars are amazing but never get the attention that they deserve. As for Cobb, he has become quite a polarizing player in the receiver rotation, not unlike the love-it-or-hate-it candy corn. Besides, a corn-on-the-Cobb pun was too good to pass up. Allison’s tall, lanky frame looks like a Charleston Chew, whose great taste is what’s truly important.
Tight End: Jimmy Graham = Snickers
Like Snickers and most of their commercials, Graham is indeed an all-time great. However, I feel like I rarely hear about them being talked about nowadays as a top option, which is honestly a bit unfair.
Offensive Line = Starbursts
David Bakhtiari = pink
Lane Taylor = yellow (lemon)
Corey Linsley = orange
Byron Bell = yellow (banana)
Bryan Bulaga = red
The line always gets lumped together, but we had to do that here. There is of course a clear hierarchy in quality, both in the Packers’ line and in Starburst flavor, and we at APC put a lot of thought into ranking these. But pink is objectively the best.
Kenny Clark = Clark bar
Mike Daniels = Hershey’s bar
Duh, of course Kenny Clark is a Clark bar. But beyond just the name, there’s a valid comparison here; Clark bars are perennially underrated, and you almost never see them around this time of year. Likewise, Clark’s name still doesn’t come up much nationally when discussing the best defensive tackles in the league.
As for Daniels, he does the grunt work and makes everybody else better by eating up double teams and motivating other players as a vocal leader. He’s a lot like standard milk chocolate, which is critical in bringing out the flavors in so many other candy bars. On its own it’s solid, but doesn’t rack up the acclaim, but its impact is really felt when looking at others.
Clay Matthews: Necco Wafers
Nick Perry: 100 Grand
When he entered the league, Matthews was amazing. He was the perfect prototype of what a pass-rusher should be. Now that he’s getting old, he just can’t hold up when compared to the newcomers and he has really lost his luster.
Perry comes with a fat contract, but he has just 8.5 sacks in 19 games since signing it, leaving him feeling like a bit of a letdown. Likewise, the 100 Grand sounds fancy and expensive, but when you eat one it’s never really special.
Blake Martinez: Kit Kat
Oren Burks: Hershey’s Cookie Layer Crunch
Kit Kats are solid and they do their job. Everybody likes them, nobody absolutely loves them. They’re an essential part of any Halloween mix, but they’ll never truly be the star. Sound like any linebackers you know?
Meanwhile we have one of Hershey’s newest offerings, the cookie layer crunch bars. There are multiple options, showing off versatile ingredients that sometimes work really well together and sometimes don’t. The jury is still out on whether it will really become a solid part of the lineup, however.
Jaire Alexander: Sour Patch Kids
Kevin King: Cadbury Creme Egg
Tramon Williams: Werther’s Original
Like Sour Patch Kids, Alexander will smack you right in the mouth at the start, then clean up at the end with some seriously sweet plays on the football:
A Cadbury Creme Egg isn’t always available in the fall, but when it is, it’s really good. Kevin King, anyone?
Finally, like Williams, Werther’s have been around forever, but they’re still serviceable, albeit not likely to excite anyone.
Kentrell Brice: Mentos
Jermaine Whitehead: Tic Tacs
Brice has been pretty meh this year, with a few moments of explosively bad play when put in the wrong situation. Mike Pettine should really find ways to keep the offense from getting him matched up against Diet Coke.
Whitehead is a versatile player; Tic Tacs are a breath mint, a fruity candy, and now gum! They do lots of things! But you’d still really rather see something better in your candy bucket, wouldn’t you?
Mason Crosby & JK Scott: Left/right Twix bars
Never mind that they both kick with their right foots; Twixes generally get the job done and you have to have them to fill out a roster. Aside from when you leave one out of the wrapper for too long and it gets stale and misses five kicks in one game or shanks a punt, they generally don’t let you down.