Shopping With The Enemy: Father’s Day at the Packers Pro Shop

Every team has a pro shop. Every pro shop carries ridiculous team-branded merchandise. These are their stories.

While “Shopping with the Enemy” usually examines Packer opponents, today we take a look at the home team. With Father’s Day fast approaching, you probably need some ideas of what to get dear old dad, and I am here to provide them.

Bargains!

The Packers have made several changes this offseason, and with Father’s Day fast approaching it’s high time we took a look at how to best capitalize on those changes. Occasionally an all-time great player will leave the team for whatever reason, and when they do, their jersey usually goes on sale. I don’t usually wear the jersey of a former Packer if he’s still active, but in some cases that player is so ingrained with the team that we can make an exception. This offseason saw the departure of one of the greatest wide receivers in team history, and while he may still have a few good years ahead of him over in the AFC, he’ll be a Packer in our hearts forever. Why not take advantage of the sale and grab his jersey for half price!

And if Jeff Janis is still too pricey for you, despite his greatness, Jordy Nelson’s jersey can be had at a 70% discount, which makes sense as he’s about 20% worse than Janis.

If Jordy’s departure has you crying in your pillow, why not pick up this truly amazing Jordy pillow, now an absolute steal at just 9 bucks. If you want Jordy Nelson staring back at you, unblinkingly and forever every time you plop down on the couch, what could be better?

Item of the Week

You’re in your astroturfed man-room getting ready to watch Ant-Man, or play Fortnite, or take in a nice relaxing golf tournament. All of a sudden you stumble and some popcorns falls out of your popcorn ramekin. You set your unlabeled bottle of home brew down to clean it up, but as you survey the scene you realize that something is missing, and that something is a Green Bay Packers Rustic Block.

What does it do? Well, whatever it does, it’s doing it right now. The Rustic Block will tie any room together provided it is next to a mess of popcorn and brown bottles. At only 20 bucks, why not get two.

Tools for Dad

You’ve got a heaping pile o’pancakes on your Packer plate. You pop on some butter and pour the syrup, when you realize that your piping pile is precariously perched on your packer plate. You need to remove a few off the top, lest the entire thing fall on the floor next to your popcorn. But how can you move pancakes that have already been syrupped without getting sticky?

Of course! The Green Bay Packers Fan Flipper! The “spatula from Sportula” makes it “super easy to scoop all kinds of food.” And you’ve probably been scooping food with your hands like a sucker.

TECHNOWIZARDY

You have plenty of mini-helmets, but they all suffer from the same problem of having to physically rest on some object to avoid being on the ground next to your popcorn and pancakes. Some people would solve this problem with a bookcase or display table, but you’re an engineer or IT person or some other nerdy crap, and that’s not good enough for you. You need your helmet to defy gravity baby!

The hover helmet is a helmet that hovers, eliminating the need for costly trophy cases. Though you will need to put the hover device on something until they invent a hover hover helmet that also hovers the helmet hoverer.

Ugly Shirts

Finally, whether you’re a fan of early 80s Midway arcade classic Sinistar, or you just like vector-rendered crystalline rocket structures, but think they would be improved by the addition of a Packer “G” logo (as all things are), this shirt is for you. Any dad would be proud to wear this, uhm, thing, around the house all weekend, and maybe even outside in public every now and then. When washing the car, for instance.

Until next time remember, there is no worse way to support your team!