Shopping with the Enemy: Seattle Seahawks playoff edition

Every team has a pro shop. Every pro shop carries ridiculous team-branded merchandise. These are their stories.

Capitalism at its finest

We are but humble Green Bay Packers fans, supporting our team in the flyover portion of the Northern United States, but are we really so different from our brethren in the tech hubs of the Northwest? Sure, they have a reputation for wealth, high housing prices, technical sophistication, and opulence, but when you get down to it, we’re all pretty much the sa—

OH MY GOD.

The previous most expensive item in this series was a $9500 book being sold by the Steelers, so this isn’t unprecedented, but that item, at least, included some game tickets and weighed 90 pounds. I don’t know what this is. If you find yourself purchasing a crystal helmet or ball for 10 grand, you need to seriously look at your priorities. You also should have spent some of that money on some kind of highly fortified bunker for when the poors revolt. Where do you even put something like this when you buy it?

Only MUSEUM QUALITY for my crystal helmet. You know who probably buys these? The same jerks who buy their kids Powerwheels to tool around their over-sized driveways instead of an actual bicycle. God forbid little Chaden get some exercise while outside when he can spend time playing “Daddy’s Midlife Crisis” with little Prescott from down the gated cul de sac.

Oh thank goodness it ships free. When buying ridiculous items for your child, always trust the good people at...

Party Animal, a trusted name in children’s entertainment.

It’s All About You, The Fan

You could buy a Russell Wilson jersey, or maybe a legendary Steve Largent jersey, or any members of the Legion of Boom.

Or, and hear me out, you could get this:

Yes, as we all know, the secret to Seahawk success is you, the fan, and you can purchase any number of “12” jerseys celebrating you, the guy who yells loudly at games, exactly like every other fan at every other stadium. If anyone is the 12th man, it’s the architects who designed the acoustics of the stadium, or in the case of the Minnesota Vikings, whoever makes the speakers.

The number 13 “Ref” jersey is all sold out.

Pants

So you’re a dude, and you’ve got your man cave with your crystal helmet, and you’ve got your FAN jersey on, but what really goes with a jersey? I mean, jeans don’t really cut it, even though it’s what we all do. And you can’t actually wear football capri pants because no one wants to see that.

The Seahawks have put a lot of thought into this, and they have your answer:

Ultimate Pants! In the Seahawks’ trademark pink, you will be the life of the party in these pajama-style comfy trousers with the weirdly placed patch to attract attention close to, but not exactly on, the goods. Yeah, that’s what makes them Ultimate.

Remember when...

Remember when Josh Gordon was a Seahawk? Need something to put next to your Jerry Rice autographed Seahawk football? Look no further.

At just $230 you can have a lasting keepsake of the troubled wideout’s five-game, seven-catch tenure. The perfect gift for your favorite stoner Seahawk fan friend.

Things Made Out of Other Things

Need a new wallet? Sick of wallets that have never touched Will Dissly’s armpit? Well, problem solved!

These wallets are made of game-used uniforms. Could be any player, but they do, helpfully provide you with a history of the games your wallet was a part of.

I’m not sure why they stop at wallets. I’m down for lampshades, wallpaper...coat my entire house in used uniforms!

Or not.

Your Packer Item of the Week

This $125.00 hoodie! Why? Because it has not one, but two 2-star reviews! What kind of people care enough to give a hoodie from a team site a 2-star review? This guy:

I kinda want to see the hoodie now. It sounds amazing and controversial. Oh look, it’s from LynnDickey12. You know, Lynn Dickey was a very good pocket passer. Doesn’t make sense that he would...

Abandon a pocket.

BOOM, I’m out. (Mic drop.)

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Enjoy the game everyone, and as always, remember, there is no worse way to support your team!