There are many things in the NFL that make no sense, at least when viewed from a conventional perspective. To a large extent the NFL itself makes no sense. Large men crashing into each other, causing great physical damage for the entertainment of others. It’s grotesque when viewed at a high level. Of course, such things have gone on for centuries — it’s not as if gladiatorial combat is new — but that doesn’t really answer the question as to why it exists, does it? It merely pushes the questions back, and relies on our understanding of ancient people as savages.
There is a better explanation based on recently recovered files from the SCP Foundation, a secretive organization which exists to contain dangerous supernatural creatures, people, or artifacts. You see, the NFL’s true existence has nothing to do with pandering to the darkest parts of the human condition. The revenue generated goes to fund something much deeper, and more important than any of us realized. Here are a few of the incredible discoveries it has made in recent years, many of which will be tested and evaluated publicly over the next 36 hours.
Item #: SCP-NFL-00010
Object Class - Keter
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-00010 must be incited to continue passing of its own free will, or whatever instinctual motivating factors drive its behavior. SCP-NFL-00010 is confined to the Chicago (312) Facility due to high winds and poor field conditions.
SCP-NFL-00010 is a “Bisky” type anomaly, able to learn and master any technique, skill, or physical movement in existence. The Bisky is an artificial intelligence that, if unchecked, would eventually become the most physically dominant force on Earth, capable of bullet-time maneuvers, high speeds, and unmatched strength. The Bisky has been known to master unspoken human communication and what we normally think of as subconscious facial signaling, giving it an almost hypnotic ability over humans. A Bisky must interact with humans or animals to develop and master skills, and may only master one skill at a time. Skill development for a standard Bisky is slow, but perfect.
Upon first contact with SCP-NFL-00008, Agent REDACTED determined that while the entity type was capable of perfect mimicry and heightened kinetic movement, it was incapable of throwing a forward pass. The Foundation has yet to determine if the skill is beyond the abilities of a standard Bisky, or if skill development is simply too slow to measure.
Microscopic measurements of SCP-NFL-00008 originally showed actualization of skill acquisition to 99.8% within one minute of exposure. SCP-NFL-00010 reached 100% to the micrometer within 15 seconds, leading to the entity’s enhanced code designation. The entity must be persuaded to continue to master passing by any means necessary in order to stem the development of planet-threatening skills.
While previous Bisky-class entities have maintained interest in perfecting the passing movement, SCP-NFL-00010 has wavered on several occasions. The addition of Agent Robinson was successful in reigniting interest, as was the reintroduction of SCP-NFL-00009, however the entity seems to require frequent boosts to provide the illusion of progress. Additional testing supports the notion that previous Bisky’s were able to make glacial but perceptible improvements to their passing, allowing them to stay interested while confined to Facility 312. SCP-NFL-00010’s perfect mimicry in other facets of human movement appears to have come at the cost of a complete and total inability to progress as a passer.
The Foundation must take immediate and consistent steps to provide the illusion of progress through better supporting agents. The Foundation’s spontaneous creation of an additional playoff spot seems to have provided the proper contextual cues for the moment.
Item #: SCP-NFL-00003
Object Class - Keter
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-00003 is currently confined to a metal-framed stadia in our Pacific Northwest facility. The entity must be prevented from prolonged exposure to sunlight. While domed facilities were considered, frequent breaches led the foundation to pursue a climate-based containment solution. While SCP-NFL-00003 may move about freely (indeed, will move about freely) at least 10 Class B agents must be stationed near the entity at all times. True containment has proven impossible, and the Foundation is now pursuing a strategy of risk mitigation.
SCP-NFL-00003 unconsciously converts sunlight into sub-atomic waves that have been shown to alter probability fields, causing unlikely and often highly damaging events to occur. The range and strength of these alterations varies by the entity’s exposure to sunlight, the intensity of the sunlight, and the existence of precipitation. Upon completion of testing, SCP-NFL-00003 was originally moved to our 608 training facility where it was thought low temperatures and snow would limit the effect. However, an extended summer resulted in several animals in the nearby Agricultural and Life Sciences lab spontaneously sprouting gills, and in one instance, stealing a moped. The assets have been destroyed.
Upon relocation to Foundation Facility 206, researchers discovered that the effect could be further mitigated through the administration of oxygen delivered within a concoction of nano-scale bubbles. Foundation scientists administer the solution every Friday provided they are able to approach SCP-NFL-00003 unimpeded by the effect.
While SCP-NFL-00003 is unable to consciously control the effect, it typically acts in such a manner as to benefit the entity while expanding its influence. That said, large-scale effects tend towards pure chaos. Researchers have found that the effect will provide a short-term boost to the entity regardless of the damage inflicted on the rest of the world via the probability field alteration. While Foundation containment activities have successfully dampened the effect, matches involving the entity which take place in direct sunlight, or in the evening following extremely sunny days, tend towards the nonsensical. Ridiculous bounces are routine, onside kicks are recovered far more frequently than standard statistics dictate, and referees have their effective IQs lowered by 33%. The Foundation has recently doubled the OxyNano dose as a result.
Agents posing as officials report amnesia when making controversial calls, and when subsequently reviewing a performance, express disbelief at their own judgement in the presence of SCP-NFL-00003. Agent (REDACTED) has been disciplined for involving SCP-NFL-00003 in too many plays (See October 25th Note: Agent Hopkins), which has occasionally allowed the effect to manifest beyond the scope of the facility. Post-game, Agent Metcalf’s tail was successfully removed, and Agent Carson was promoted to Class B and given a larger role in containment.
The Foundation highly recommends removing the Arizona facility from the division as the desert atmosphere, low precipitation, and strong sunlight exposure have led to several high-profile incidents despite mitigation efforts. The Keter designation was first applied to SCP-NFL-00003 in the wake of a 2016 away match at the 480 facility resulting in a conventionally bizarre 6-6 tie score, as well as several related probability-defying events. The match in question took place on the Sunday prior to a national election, and the prolonged desert sun exposure prior to the match appears to have had a substantial impact on the results.
The “Fail Mary” and 2020 prime time matches were benign enough to avoid suspicion, and indeed, generated additional revenue for the Foundation, but transfer and permanent confinement to a domed stadium should be considered. Attempts at constructing a suitable containment facility in the past resulted in locks simply dropping open, the Foundation striking oil within the containment facility, the discovery of an actual Al Capone vault, a Pharaoh’s tomb, and what appears to be some sort of enormous mammalian fossilized skeleton. Research into utilizing anti-probability derived from SCP-NFL-17 is ongoing.
Item #: SCP-NFL-12
Object Class - Keter
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-12 is to be contained within Facility 813, ship level, barricaded with fully inflated balls. It is to be fed nothing but strawberries, and must not access cloth, cotton, modern electronic devices, or any other materials that may allow it to construct bioceramic print garments. A minimum of 10 Class B agents must be active for supervision and transportation at all times. Agents’ assignments are not to exceed 30 consecutive days.
SCP-NFL-12 is a pure energy manifestation of the concept of temptation. The presence of the entity near any living being prompts an almost instantaneous breakdown of conceptual morality within those beings, resulting in the society around it slowly devolving into a sub-feudal state. SCP-NFL-12 was created during an experiment within the science lab at the Ross School of Business, intended to allow particularly virtuous students to temporarily unlock the sociopathy necessary for success in business while remaining upstanding moral citizens in everyday life.
The resulting entity quickly escaped and assimilated into the school population, assuming the form of a smarmy, though conventionally attractive male. SCP-NFL-12 was discovered by local Agents and assigned to University Facility 734, however the entity expanded his abilities, and escaped by facilitating the ascension of a young human quarterback/baseball player. The entity was recaptured and reassigned to Maximum Security Facility 508 in an attempt to limit the corrupting influence to one of our field units. The location was chosen specifically because all local residents are already corrupt beyond levels attained by the entity, and the temptation field energy influence would be minimal.
Despite precautions, including a low-protein diet and removal of “recharging materials” including fur-lined footwear and specialized rest-coverings, SCP-NFL-12 has had a profound impact of several agents. Agent REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. Agent REDACTED has given in on multiple occasions and surreptitiously recorded classified material from other Facilities. Agent REDACTED, who recently requested transfer to 813, has developed what can only be described as an addiction to a hard partying lifestyle, and will stop at nothing to remain in the entity’s presence despite severe physical damage to head and back.
The entity itself continues to engage in duplicitous actions designed to provide personal gain and influence others to commit heinous, selfish acts. SCP-NFL-12 has been caught deflating balls for easier throwing (Note: Explore this as a possibility for SCP-NFL-00010), engaging in mid-level marketing, supporting traitorous politicians, and basic adultery.
Sequestration from bioceramic fabrics and prolonged exposure to common strawberries strips the entity of its abilities, however SCP-NFL-12 generally manages to exert enough influence on vulnerable individuals to get what it wants, most recently conning an almost free house from SCP-MLB-2. Containment breaches are common, though on-field exertions do drain SCP-NFL-12, and require prolonged recovery periods. Playoff games are mandatory for this reason.
Item #: SCP-NFL-000043
Object Class - Euclid
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-000043 is contained within Special Facility 920 along with all other time dilation anomalies. 920 is frozen on a rubber band timeline exactly ten years in the past. While residents believe they exist in the present due to amnesiacs and retraining, the time bubble serves to maintain SCP anomalies in a harmless state through creation of an “immediate time paradox dimension recovery shift” or ITPDRS. Because the bubble exists ten years prior to the current time, all subtle changes that could potentially occur inside the bubble already have occurred in our time, thus limiting unknown and potentially disastrous butterfly effect scenarios. SCP-NFL-000043 is to remain contained within the ITPDRS zone at all times. The standard consortium of 47 Class B agents provides zone security disguised as Class D locals, and has provided that service since 1961.
SCP-NFL-000043 can create subtle time dilations through the act of spinning objects. The regulation NFL football is, coincidentally, optimal for this purpose. Foundation temporal research scientists have identified a small singularity held in place between the hands of SCP-NFL-000043 which travels in a small elliptical orbit. When an object such as a regulation football passes through the hands of SCP-NFL-000043, any rotation gained moves the object forward or backward in time, out of sync with the surrounding area.
The effect is extremely limited, and as of yet has shown no practical application whatsoever. Foundation research has attempted to send encoded information backwards and forwards to no avail. The achieved time dilation is so small that any kind of travel exceeding 87 miles per hour, mountain climbing, or deep sea diving causes the impacted object to undergo a banded time recursion, snapping it back to the present. While Dr. (REDACTED) originally believed this property could be used for practical purposes, subsequent research has revealed it is merely the standard reaction of space-time to a small distortion.
Practically speaking, the only true impact a SCP-NFL-000043 time dilation is to make the location of the laces of a regulation football impossible to judge upon receipt of the spun item and as a result, Agent M (REDACTED) has missed several key kicks. For unknown reasons related to encoded information preservation, the random lace placement frequency hits highest variance on snaps for shorter kicks, whereas on longer kicks the placement is more consistent to the rear. Agent M (REDACTED) was severely injured in one instance when a short kick time-dilated to the space 14 millimeters from the center of his own face while still maintaining the full force of the kick. Agent M (REDACTED) recovered, but Agent JK (REDACTED) was forced to cover kickoffs for a short period.
The Foundation has considered a “safe” designation for SCP-NFL-000043, however small changes to time have been detected, and more research is required before such a change can be made.
Item #: SCP-NFL-011
Object Class - Euclid
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-011 is currently contained within the Weapons and Defenses facility barracks under Foundation Facility 703. Subject is cooperative and shows no desire to leave or escape.
SCP-NFL-011 was referred to the Foundation by Foundation Facility 816 physical therapists responding to a tip from local physicians. Subject experienced an unknown and undiagnosable condition in which injuries would randomly occur out of nowhere. The subject, who was also a quarterback prior to SCP reassignment, would see attempted deep passes simply turn in midair, seeking shallower targets. The throws were accurate, but simply would not travel as intended.
The condition remained a mystery until 2017 when subject suddenly reported feeling “healthier than ever” and his deep passing, overnight, became the envy of the league. Further studies by Foundation researches eventually confirmed that SCP-NFL-011 was locked in a quantum-state inverse spin relationship with Agent REDACTED, since reclassified as SCP-NFL-012.
SCP-NFL-011’s sudden elation and skill were, at a quantum level, “caused” by a serious injury to then-Agent REDACTED, SCP-NFL-012, suffered at the hands of SCP-NFL-055 (Class-Burfict). Subsequent research determined that the quantum entanglement resulted from a store of Foundation chemicals located below the Javits Convention Center (Facility 332) in New York. Until 2005, the NFL Draft was conducted within universal safe zone Madison Square Garden, but was held at Javits for unknown reasons that year. The chemicals in question (Object class: Disposed) contained quantum binding agents of unknown origin. Prolonged exposure results in the fusing the quantum state of any two being in its presence for a prolonged period. SCP-NFL-011 experienced a relatively small dose compared to SCP-NFL-012, who was detained in the exposed waiting room longer than any other draft invitee. The extended exposure placed SCP-NFL-012 into the “dominant” quantum position, meaning stimuli to SCP-NFL-012 would express in an inverse fashion on SCP-NFL-011.
In 2017, SCP-NFL-011 experienced what can only be described as an impossible year given his history, as he led the league in Adjusted Yards per Attempt, Quarterback Rating, and Interception Percentage, all categories typically dominated by SCP-NFL-012. Foundation statisticians used the 2017 data to prove the relationship beyond a shadow of a doubt. SCP-NFL-012 experienced a setback starting in 2015 as his NY/A cratered from a league leading 7.68 to a career low 5.67. Simultaneous to this, SCP-NFL-011 improved on the same metric from 5.96 in 2014 to 6.31 in 2015, 6.50 in 2016, and peaking at 7.10 during the injury to SCP-NFL-012 in 2017.
Previous correlations cemented the theory as fact, including SCP-NFL-012’s ascension to starter inflicting an injury to SCP-NFL-011, causing him to miss the entire 2008 season. When Agent REDACTED was installed as the Foundation Supervisor in Facility 920 to start the 2019 season, some Foundation researches expressed concern that the new organization and system may provide a boost to SCP-NFL-012 while having a similar detrimental impact to SCP-NFL-011 along the lines of the occurrence of 2008. The Foundation attempted installation of quantum shielding and additional containment for the period in an attempt to protect SCP-NFL-011. SCP-NFL-0112’s Object Class, previously designated as Safe, was altered to Euclid, where it remains.
Unfortunately, the Foundation Research Team at 920 was correct, as they usually are. The supervisory change from Agent REDACTED to Agent REDACTED instantly improved the situation for SCP-NFL-012, and caused a catastrophic injury for SCP-NFL-011. While we gained valuable data on quantum entanglement, the cost to SCP-NFL-011 was severe. SCP-NFL-011 has recovered, however a phenomenal season from SCP-NFL-012 has capped the performance of SCP-NFL-011 to a 5.27 N/YA. Given what we now know, the performance of SCP-NFL-011 may actually be the more impressive of the two.
Item #: SCP-NFL-00000000007
Object Class - Keter
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-00000000007 is contained in the closed Faraday Cage within the below-sea-level compound of Foundation Facility 504. Subject must remain below sea level at all times. Transportation outside of 504 must be accompanied by at least 6 armed Class B personnel. Should SCP-NFL-00000000007 escape confinement the subject is to be shot on sight. No Foundation Reacquisition Team containing fewer than 7 operatives may engage. Protective ear coverings are required during any engagement with SCP-NFL-00000000007.
SCP-NFL-00000000007 is an uncategorized supernatural being capable of mental and emotional manipulation. Agents who have endured prolonged exposure to SCP-NFL-00000000007 report intense feelings of well-being and energy, however it became clear that any such agent was compromised, and would dutifully respond to requests from SCP-NFL-00000000007, shirking Foundation protocols and duties. All agents (14 in total, hereby SCP-NFL-00000000007-1), were contained within common cells for a period of 18 months.
SCP-NFL-00000000007 is not on the surface devious or evil. The entity exerts control through positive attitude, a supernatural ability to excel in multiple tasks simultaneously (SCP-NFL-00000000007 has since been designated as an advance form of class “Kieschnick”), and a supernatural pheromone that, as of now, defies all analysis. The entity has no goal or plan other than assimilation of those around it, though it is not above using its abilities for personal gain (see: contract).
The subject was originally contained within the temporal displacement bubble in Facility 920, however Agent (REDACTED) eventually called for the transfer. SCP-NFL-00000000007 must be contained in a facility with a dominant Supervisor, resistant to replacement.
The charismatic following induced by SCP-NFL-00000000007 leads to the entity slowly taking over any organization of any type to which it is exposed. For this reason, it must be kept as part of the Foundation’s NFL Containment as much as possible. Agents sharing the field with SCP-NFL-00000000007 report the standard good feelings, but also report losing quickly losing any position to which the entity takes a liking. Agent Winston’s notes on this point offer crucial data to understanding just how strong the effect can be, though the tight end, running back, and special teams units have also been similarly impacted. Even Agent D REDACTED has felt threatened at times.
Subject is well-loved by all involved, and at least 10 Class B agents must remain active in management of SCP-NFL-00000000007 while maintaining no actual contact with the entity.
The slavish devotion inspired by SCP-NFL-00000000007 resisted all attempts at re-education or counseling until now, when Foundation researchers discovered that brief exposure to SCP-NFL-666 immediately cancelled the effect, returning all agents to almost normal. All were diagnosed with light depression, however counseling has shown progress. SCP-NFL-666 has been designated a Keter-Thaumiel as a result. Prolonged exposure to SCP-NFL-666 should be avoided at all costs.
Item #: SCP-NFL-99
Object Class - Keter
Special Containment Procedure: SCP-NFL-99 must be confined in open space, and is currently contained in the Augora Hills Facility (213). Subject may not enter any dwelling or room larger than 30 meters x 30 meters. Class B agents escorting the subject must be equipped at all times with at least 300 grams of C4 explosive capable of instantly knocking down walls/ceilings, should the subject enter a building.
SCP-NFL-99 is an intelligent 5-dimensional anomaly. Technically, the portion of SCP-NFL-99 is a 5-dimensional being projected into the 4-dimensional space-time of our universe. The subject physically takes up more 4D space than is perceptible, and as a result, cannot freely move through narrow doors, or dense crowds. When unsuspected agents or D-Class attempt to maneuver around SCP-NFL-99 they are almost always knocked to the ground.
The impacted area expands outward from the visible portion of SCP-NFL-99 in the shape of a cross, or T, about as wide as the perceptible width of the entity. The impacted area also extends upwards by the same amount, though this rarely has an impact outside of the occasional seagull casualty on Venice.
Because of the creature’s 5D nature, it is able to move effortlessly in 4D space despite the additional mass, easily toppling objects and people it encounters. The subject is also capable of expanding or contracting based on the amount of mass in close proximity. Because of a 5D anti-quark intersection with our universe, nearby mass is converted into 5D mass and reinserted into our universe as the invisible portion of subject SCP-NFL-99. Subject’s Keter designation is based on a calculation from Foundation mathematicians proving that if subject entered a particularly large structure, it would develop enough invisible mass to collapse Earth, and eventually, the solar system.
While SCP-NFL-99 is not outwardly hostile, the being is unconcerned with the fate of those that cross its path. The subject is also incredibly durable, and no known structure or substance has been able to withstand a direct confrontation with the perceptible or imperceptible portions of the subject.
SCP-NFL-99 can only be contained through a complete lack of containment, and all agents assigned to the subject are trained to clear paths and destroy obstacles as much as possible. The Foundation has explored off-world containment, however the risk of contact with a super-massive object or sun is great. Non-containment containment will remain in place pending further experiments with 5D space.
All of these subjects (save for SCP-NFL-000043) will be paired off in contained 60-minute simulations over the next 36 hours for research and evaluation of their abilities. These simulations will also help to determine if there are major conflicts between these abilities. These simulations will be available for live public viewing for observation and audit of the Foundation’s containment protocols.
Saturday, January 9
SCP-NFL-99 and SCP-NFL-0003 (4:40 PM Eastern)
SCP-NFL-12 and SCP-NFL-011 (8:15 PM Eastern)
Sunday, January 10
SCP-NFL-00010 and SCP-NFL-00000000007 (4:40 PM Eastern)
Note: SCP-NFL-000043 will be paired off for testing with one of the other subjects listed here in approximately seven days.