It’s the Green Bay Packers’ bye week, and if you’re a smart and loyal Packer fan with some extra cash burning a hole in your wallet, you may have recently become an owner. While you can’t watch Packer football this week, you can take this opportunity to explore one of the biggest perks of Packers stock ownership, the secret shareholder section of the Packers Pro Shop.
While the regular pro shop is full of tacky, gaudy merchandise like “jerseys” and “grilling tools,” the shareholder section is more refined, focusing on “things you could wear while golfing,” “ties that are never appropriate to wear on any occasion where you might need a tie,” and of course, $75 floor mats:
Perfect for anyone who is about to have over their surly Viking fan in-laws for a holiday gathering, this will allow them to work out some aggression as they joyfully wipe their feet on your name, while also letting you brag about your small contribution to public ownership of America’s greatest sports franchise.
And while they’re wiping their feet on your personalized football-shaped mat, they may glance down and notice your rock. This rock, right here!
The rock will proudly declare your ownership status to anyone trespassing through your garden, though at least one purchaser cautions that this garden stone, covered with faux moss, may not be visible in your garden:
Leo’s garden must be amazing if it’s able to hide the glory of the shareholder rock.
Anyway, if rocks and mats aren’t your thing, maybe you’d be interested in this tri-fold wallet, which, and I want to emphasize is NOT REAL LEATHER.
Don’t get taken in like poor Michael here, who is going through shareholder wallets like they’re going out of style, which they NEVER DO. He correctly notes that shareholders deserve better, while also taking responsibility for not reading carefully. Kudos Michael, very big of you.
Maybe you would like something a little fuzzier? Maybe you’re a six year old who managed to save up enough money to buy a share by clearing the table, making your bed, and scooping the cat box, and then saved up another $17 dusting and vacuuming, and want to show off your newfound owner status through your toys. If this describes you, why not use those $17 on this not-at-all-generic plush Bear wearing an “Owner” varsity jacket?
Packer fans traditionally love bears, and this bear is obviously committed to the cause because he has a coat. A coat that says “Owner.”
If you’re setting up your Christmas tree this weekend, you may be interested in this shovel ornament with “shareholder” written on the part that scoops snow. Celebrate the poorly-paid individuals who show up to shovel snow at Lambeau every blizzard while also ensuring they know who’s in charge here, all while keeping the spirit of Christmas alive.
And finally, you probably have a bunch of Packer stickers all over your house, but do you have Shareholder stickers? Well, it’s time to make the switch now that you’re in the owner’s club.
You just have to be careful of a few things before you buy. Take a tip from poor Richard here.
Richard, you see, if putting his stickers through their paces! His last one, an enormous 5x8 decal, wore out, and while he’s pretty happy with this new one, he does wish it were bigger than 4x4, which I totally get. Still, it does get the full five stars.
So, enjoy your newfound shareholder merchandise, and I urge you to take a look through the shop. You’re sure to find something you like whether it’s this shiny hat with cursive writing:
or this other shiny hat with cursive writing:
or this non-shiny hat with cursive writing.
If you like cursive writing, the Packer Pro Shop – Shareholder Space is for you.